Laertes Dirt On Hamlet
by darkwings13
Summary: Do you wonder what Hamlet is really like? Find out from Laertes, a guy who knew Hamlet for far too long.


Darkwings13:I don't own the characters or the storyline of Hamlet. Shakespeare does. This is set after Ophelia's funeral and Laertes is sort of talking to his dead sister and criticizing Hamlet. I always thought Laertes was cooler than Hamlet personally.

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><p>Laertes Perspective<p>

Why has it come to this Ophelia? Why is that whenever I take my eyes off you, you get yourself into a hole! There's nothing I can do to get you out of this one no matter how much I want to... I'm sorry Ophelia, I'm not angry at you my sweet sister. It's that no good, rotten jerk Hamlet I'm angry at. Don't try defending him Ophelia. It's all his fault that you and father are dead. How dare he jump into your grave and claimed that he loved you! He never could stand anyone beating him and I bet you he was furious when he saw that his love was nowhere near mine. He didn't want people saying that I, your brother, loved you more than him. So he just had to put that overweight body of his into the hole, crush me with 200 pounds of fat and go into a fake speech about how much he loved you. I'm sure the stars are totally awestruck by his grief and I totally believe that he was willing to be buried alive with you. All he ever does is talk fancy but when the time comes for action he's useless. I was so outraged by his lies that I could just strangle him right there and then. But his neck was too wide for me to get a firm grip.

I'm telling you Ophelia, he never loved you. The only person Hamlet loves is himself. I have seen him stare at himself in a mirror for 2 hours before! Do you know how long he takes to get his hair done in the morning? Believe me it's ten times longer than you and your hair. Yeah I like to listen to court gossip so what? And he's always pointing out his father's good looks and reminding the court over and over how much he looked like the late king. Too bad he didn't inherit his father's taciturn nature. I swear, he's mesmerized by his own voice. Ophelia I didn't want to tell you this before but the only reason why Hamlet was courting you was because I told him to stay away from you. I told him that if he dared come near you and try something funny I would kill him. He must really enjoy ticking me off because the very next day he went and got you flowers. And that was how your relationship started. On a lie. That's why I told you his feelings were false and fleeting.

I have other very good reasons why I was against you and him being together. The guy seems to be a little off. Remember when we were young Ophelia? He would always talk to thin air. What if he was mad? I can't let my dear sister be with a madman can I? Besides being a crazy and narcissus pig, the man is very vengeful and proud. It was 15yrs ago when Hamlet challenged me to that duel. You were there cheering for me Ophelia. Haha, I knocked him flat with 5 strikes. It was over so fast I could hardly believe it. But of course he had to go running to his mom and say that I cheated and embarrassed him in front of the court. So in the end I got in trouble and had to endure a four hour lecture from father. That's not all, apparently that sore loser was biding his time for a chance to get revenge. And he found that opportunity 3 days later. I was walking down one of the hallways reading a book when he suddenly jumped out and sprayed me with some weird English perfume that smelled like 10 day old meat. My eyes were watering like crazy and it felt like my lungs were on fire. He then quickly shoved me into a room with his crazy bulldog Ham and locked it. Speaking through the keyhole, he told me that's what I get for embarrassing him in front of the court. Frankly, I was going to tell him that he does a pretty good job by himself without my help but his dog was chewing on my leg so that kept my mouth shut. When I finally escaped through the window, I vowed that I would become the best fencer in all of Denmark just to have the satisfaction that Hamlet would never beat me in a duel.

Another thing I can't stand about him was the amount of time he takes to make a decision. Do you know why I begged father to let me transfer school and go to France? I got sick of being bossed around by him and being forced to do all of his homework was starting to affect my sleep schedule. It got so bad that I once fell asleep at dinner and got pie all over my face. Anyway back on topic, Hamlet takes forever to make up his mind. Whenever we had to pick a topic for our project, he takes so long that by the time he made up his mind the stupid thing was due tomorrow so I would have to pull an all-nighter and finish the darn thing. Another example is breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner time. He orders his private cook to make something and 1 hour later he changes his mind and orders something different. The end result is 50 different dishes that go to waste since Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and me can't finish it. Hamlet can somehow stuff 20 of the dishes into his stomach though. Mentioning Rosencrantz and Guildenstern makes me remember something. I overheard them talking about Hamlet behind his back before. You know, I feel sorry for him sometimes. He doesn't seem to have many friends who are actually loyal to him. Horatio is the only one I can think of on the top of my head. I don't like Hamlet but I'm honest about it. Lying and smiling behind a fake mask is not my style.

It's funny thinking about all of this… I mean I've known this guy my whole life and even though I don't like him it feels wrong that I shall kill him soon. And that it is foul murder I shall be committing. I still want to avenge you and father but not this way. It goes against my conscience to do so. But like they say, there's no turning back now. I have a strange feeling that something bad will happen at this duel… Ophelia, before I go I want you to know this. You are my pearl, my flower, my beloved sister. I have always wished for your happiness and have always loved you as your brother. This shall be my final gift to you. For you I shall kill Hamlet as my heart tells me too, but I shall also forgive him as you would want me too. Good-bye my sister, until we meet again.


End file.
